| Symptom: | Fault: | Action: |
| Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. |
| Feet warm and wet. | Improper bladder control. | Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. |
| Beer unusually pale and tasteless. | Glass empty. | Get someone to buy you another beer. |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. | You have fallen over backward. | Have yourself leashed to bar. |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts. | You have fallen forward. | See above. |
| Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. | Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. | Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. |
| Floor blurred. | You are looking through bottom of an empty glass. | Get someone to buy you another beer. |
| Floor moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another bar. |
| Room seems unusually dark. | Bar has closed. | Confirm home address with bartender. |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. | Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. | Cover mouth. |
| Everyone looks up to you and smiles. | You are dancing on the table. | Fall on somebody cushy-looking. |
| Beer is crystal-clear. | It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. | Punch him. |
| Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. | You have been in a fight. | Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. |
| Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. | You've wandered into the wrong party. | See if they have free beer. |
| Your singing sounds distorted. | The beer is too weak. | Have more beer until your voice improves. |
| Don't remember the words to the song. | Beer is just right. | Play air guitar. |